Vegan Depression September 20, 2007

It’s funny, isn’t it? I’ve actually been able to cross off most of my goals. Got into college, signed up for an aerobics class, got my financial aid squared away so I don’t have to pay out of pocket, even set up to transfer and currently holding onto a solid A in every class. I am even on the way in creating my own vegan website. However, here I am sitting alone in the Cafe at the Siek Center listening to the Garden State soundtrack for the third time today.

There are too many things on my mind to deal with. I’m a vegan girl surrounded by food options that aren’t vegan. So, I usually eat an Odwalla bar at school. When they hand out free food I occasionally get to eat some fruit and get a drink. Which, is nice I suppose. At the last event I was so hungry I scraped the cheese off of a pizza and gave it to my friend just so I could eat the bread (they ony offered carrots with ranch). Sometimes I hate being a vegan. I can’t be a normal kid ever, I constantly have to apologize and explain to teachers and forum leaders that, no, I can’t eat that, I’m a vegan. Yes, that’s right, no dairy either. And I’m sick of our food being more expensive, it’s VEGETABLES and GRAIN. I know how much it costs, I buy it at the co-op. I’m sorry if I expected you to actually have food I can eat, considering the popularity of veganism in the area and the fact that you said in the broshure that you accomidated vegan diets. It shouldn’t be such a big deal, but it is. Everywhere I go I am reminded that I’m different.

I’m not always this depressed, but lately I really feel like crap. I feel like I have to decide between working my ass off at school or paying attention to my health, because I can’t seem to do both at once. Is this why there is a “freshman 15″? I hate this, I hate everything right now.

Writing September 9, 2007

Oh writing. How I loathe it, love it and bury deep in the earth for no one to see. I forgot how much I despised English class. I spend all of my time trying to write to their specification, writing to the perfect essay model in their head. I think that’s the problem with writers today, everyone writes for their audience and no one writes for themselves.

Kurt Vonnegut once said that he wrote best when he sounded like a guy from Indianapolis because that’s who he was essentially. Why should I strain myself to sound like the perfect student when I merely who I am? Instead of perfect my skills to someone else’s standard why can’t I just improve my skills for myself?

Other than that, school is going alright. I recently found an old friend from high school there (which is quite a feat for me, considering I’m 3000 miles away from my high school). I wish I could meet more people though, I somehow get this feeling I’m exuding some type of negative vibe since people would rather sit next to that crazy person that talks to themselves on the bus than me. It’s probably because I often ride the bus right after History class, and I’m often upset by the ignorant things my Prof. has to say.

I feel lately like I’m stuck in a limbo of things. Going back to college has a big impact on my life, everything feels out of whack and strewn about. I feel stuck between who I am and who I want to be, but more and more lately I feel like that person I wanted to be isn’t that great after all.

I am very excited about working on my website though! To think that in a few months I could be the proud runner of a Vegan Website for girls…I really do hope its successful. I’ve been playing around on GIMP so I can hopefully have some pretty looking things on it. I know it’s not all about presentation, but something nice will certainly attract attention, and hopefully the articles will keep it.

Well, I need to get back to work now. I just wanted to vent.

Erica

Being Thinkful September 3, 2007

Going back to school has been rough on my body. Something about the extra fifty pounds on my back and waking up at ungodly hours in the morning cause my body such a great deal of stress that Saturday I slept very close to 20 hours.

However, this past week has been one of the best in my life. I not only went back to school, I was able to purchase books and supplies with my financial aid, meet with students of similar interests, and get a check for my student loan which I will hopefully be able to use to purchase contacts and some new clothing. My second time being a freshman is completely different, the first time I really had no desire or motivation. Going to school was what everyone did; an expectation set by my family and friends. After two years, I attend school because I wish to pursue higher education.

So, I pack the supplies up and get up early to take the bus, stay up late studying and spend my extra time trying to discover my campus, for me and only me.